Well at the time I was working as a stock boy at Target on the weekends (with a couple shifts during the week during Christmas when we moved to a 2am start time) and warehousing (later junior locksmith) at a door company (Hull Supply in Austin).
Currently just a stock boy while I add a second BS onto my useless resume.
Money, youthful ignorance (and a desire to get the fuck out of Florida) and an inability to fill out an application probably due to my truck load of self esteem issues (though there is always the possibility that I fail not because I think I'm garbage but because I actually am).
Hey, I just read through all your replies and I just wanted to say that I sincerely hope you find a way to overcome your obstacles and realize your full potential some time.
Have you tried applying to engineering jobs? I have a degree in physics (minor in math), and that's what I did (as well as many of my friends). Or tutoring? That can pay pretty well and give you flexible hours. This type of movement is extremely common for physicists.
Grad school is also an option, and you don't have to go for physics (which is fairly competitive). I got into a CS program, have a friend doing EE, and know of plenty of people doing ME, AE, CE, etc. People will read "Physics degree" as "smart" or "worked hard".
> not because I think I'm garbage but because I actually am
Sounds like imposter syndrome. It is extremely common, though I know it is extremely difficult to deal with (coming from personal experience).
No really the last time I filled out an application it took me two months from start to finish and I considered it progress because I wasn't crying by the end of it. January 2017 ish a Prof offered me several research projects, after not responding to him for two weeks I am now hiding from him for the rest of my life.
I am absolutely aware that I am on paper qualified for all sorts of shit.
That doesn't change the reality that I am emotionally incapable of doing anything with it.
Which goes back to my coworkers who are all absolutely capable of better paying jobs but at some point you just stop believing that something else is possible. Then what?
> January 2017 ish a Prof offered me several research projects, after not responding to him for two weeks I am now hiding from him for the rest of my life.
Sounds like you might want to message them. Small progress is still progress. Some days you make leaps and bounds, but most days we barely make a step. And that is okay.
> I am absolutely aware that I am on paper qualified for all sorts of shit.
>> For 30k plus benefits I'd strangle puppies.
Anxiety and writing an email sounds better than strangling puppies for a (low wage) living.
> That doesn't change the reality that I am emotionally incapable of doing anything with it.
Get a therapist.
> at some point you just stop believing that something else is possible. Then what?
GET A THERAPIST
Seriously, if you are at the point where emailing someone is causing you so much anxiety that you are literally sabotaging yourself to work jobs that you are way over qualified for (and thus make you clearly miserable), you need to see someone professional. Because you said it yourself:
a) I'm not in a place where even if I emailed them and they did understand I would be any more likely to actually follow through the second they stopped looking over my shoulder.
b) 30 grand and benefits in
Albuquerque isn't a low wage it's god damned pinkies out upper class.
c) I am not over qualified to be a stock boy (though I am damned good at it) I am orthogonally qualified for other jobs.
d) yeah I am aware that a therapist would help but that self sabatoge came after 6 months of counseling and antidepressants... More effective therapy is either non existent or out of my price range.
Being active and yet totally incapable of doing anything that makes you feel bad might be depression but actually sounds like an ADHD symptom people don't talk about.
Unfortunately I've never heard about therapy for this - there's just a different medication than antidepressants - but maybe reading that would help you.
I have absolutely been there. (Especially the "now in hiding for the rest of my life because I forgot to respond to someone for a week" part and the "two months to fill out an application" part and the "emotionally incapable of doing anything, stopped believing anything else is possible" part... so, well, all of the parts actually.)
For me, what worked was getting another human being (my parents, in this case) to help me through getting the applications done, and following up with people I'm being avoidant about, and generally reminding me that I was being ridiculous. Also, it helped to find out that these were all really common manifestations of certain kinds of Brain Problems(tm) (anxiety in particular), which made me feel like less of a lazy worthless piece of shit and more like just a dude with a problem, and also directed me to various kinds of therapy & medication which have been helpful at fixing the issue.
My reflexive... Muy Thai is often referred to as the art of eight limbs because it uses everything to fight...
Everything against everything, is me. If someone even just super passively tries to support me in an endeavor I am 1000% more likely to not do it. If they try to push me to do it I absolutely will not out of spite.
I harbor no illusions that I am particularly unique so I'm willing to bet you, or some one reading this, was exactly the same, until they weren't; unfortunately for me I am me until I'm not.
Also to push this away from me personally: not only is the % of people with depression increasing but also the mean age at which it affects people is creeping down. When I was a kid it was like 30 now it's like 20.
A shit ton of theoretically attainable jobs seem out of reach to even the emotionally healthy. When your 20 and you just want to go to sleep and never wake up: every job seems out of reach and that number is going up.
And again I can't stress this enough. Even when healthy many many jobs seem out of reach.
Fella 'cross town said he's lookin' for a man
To move some old cars around
Maybe me and Marie could find a burned-out
Van and do a little settlin' down
Aw, but I'm just dreamin', I ain't got no ride
And the junkyard's a pretty good ways
That job's about a half week old besides
It'd be gone now anyway
Speaking from personal experience, in order to improve one’s life, you need to make incremental improvements. It could be as simple as going to the gym and doing one rep. Then the next day you do two reps, etc.
It requires a paradigm shift in the way you think, which is not easy. The first step is making a commitment to change.
You would think that managing to save up enough money to pay for a second degree in cash and then achieving that degree (well in the fall but 8 credits away), seeing a counselor and getting on antidepressants would count.
Turns out it doesn't and I'm going to spend the next umpteen years saving up again for a third useless degree.
Talk with your doctor to ditch the antidepressants ASAP, and make sure your doctor tapers your dosage.
I’d recommend mindful breathing exercises and meditative practices. CBT may also help you. It’s a marathon, not a sprint. Hope that helps, and best of luck to you.
2008-2010 I wanted to do nothing. 2010-12 I wanted to hide in a closet. 12-16 I wanted to die.
On medication I don't want to die. It's not great but it's a damn sight better than the decade preceding it.
Went off medication for the summer and fall after 9 months. Failed 4 of 5 classes.
Doing the meditation and breathing and shit too. Turns out that in order to make positive changes in your life you have to be willing to make positive changes in your life. Which I'm not currently.
From your trainwreck description of existence, I think you'd like the life of a yogi (and the required ability to stomach a bunch of pain while in mayurasana).
I've got a couple years of yoga as interpreted by basic-AF white ladies under my belt, turns out being in a room with a dozen other people just breathing is in fact my jammy-jam.
the Bagavad Gita, the sutras though...
I'm pretty hardcore existential-naturalist (existentialism actually was a reaction against naturalism by I am a born syncretic) and as a result the anarchy of LeGuin's the Dispossessed or Kropotkin's Conquest of Bread present more or less identical praxis but with out the need for faith in anything more than my neighbors.
What I'm about to suggest isn't for everybody, but it might help you out. There are actually 2 ways to be rich: make more money than you need, or need less money than you make. There is an inherent risk with the second (because there are some things where you can't control costs), but it offers some advantages as well.
Making money is a stressful endeavour. Everybody deals with stress differently. Some people like a lot of stress. Other people have a lot of difficulty with it. Often it's hard for people to understand others who are in the opposite condition (Those who have difficulty with stress are seen to be weak or lazy, those who thrive on stress are seen to be manic or even evil). It's great to at least understand yourself, and while it should not stop you from trying to become the person you want to be, it's pretty damaging to ignore who you are now.
Making money is stressful because you have a lack of control. You are either spending your time doing what others want you to do (always hanging that carrot in your face), or you are spending your time doing high risk things in the hope that it will pay off (always flirting with failure). In contrast, not spending money is an exercise in control. Everything comes from you because you do not have enough money to depend on others.
In many ways it's the complete opposite of trying to make money. You need to move to a quiet location where the cost of living is as low as possible. You have to prioritise time working for yourself over working for others. You have to cook, clean, sew, grow your own food, etc, etc for yourself. It's not easy (and not at all for everybody), but for someone who is capable it's a way of simplifying your interfaces and giving you back a sense of control.
I can't really give you specific advice because we are different, but the main thing is to view spending time for yourself as more profitable than working for someone else. For example, spending an hour making dinner for yourself is more valuable than spending an hour working to pay for going out to a restaurant. Spending time growing herbs on the windowsill (or even building a makeshift hydroponics system out of spare parts) is more valuable than buying herbs (or whatever) in the store.
It's easy to get into the mindset that $100 is an hour's work if you are paid $100 per hour. Can you generate $100 in an hour of your own time? But $100/hour is $200K per year and that $100 becomes really devalued. If you are living on $10K per year, the same $100 has a completely different value to you. At $5/hour it makes enormous sense to leverage your own time rather than collecting peanuts from others. In that very strange way, the less you make, the more valuable your time is to you -- because what you do with it becomes much more important.
I don't want to discourage your from finding ways to get past an issue that is obviously causing you a lot of pain. However taking a time out to work for yourself, rather than for others may help you get some breathing room.
I saved 30k in three years while working at Target. I am world class at needing less than I make.
But being able to save money doesn't change the ability to see possibilities as actually possible which is the fundamental reason so many people are not going into "skilled labor" trade jobs.
Congrats! I have a couple of friends that are "professional students". Not a lot of security in that, but is it any worse than "starving artist"? I'm reading what you are writing and I see nothing wrong except that you are unhappy. I don't think you need to fix what isn't broken. I hope that helps a bit, but I'm sure it doesn't :-) Good luck!
In as much I'm not starving it's amazingly better than being a starving artist. In as much as I wake up everyday feeling like I am in exactly the same place as I was yesterday regardless of objective achievements... I'm still counting down the days until I die (17562 days according to wolfram alpha).
I'll wake up tomorrow and take a step. The upside to knowing there is no destination is that while no step takes you forward, no step takes you back either?
For 30k plus benefits I'd strangle puppies.