Not leaving a destructive relationship sooner. Twice.
The second one was the worst. I've since observed that behaviour in other couples, mostly with the men, but almost as frequently with the women that make the partner's feeling of self-worth completely revolve around them.
It's toxic, left me with severe depression that is still an issue today. There is a certain type of internal self-talk that becomes a self-reinforcing mania and starts with the simplest triggers and ends up with a feeling of loathing that can happen any time. It's dangerous and can lead to thoughts of suicide.
This was in my early 30s, and I'm now in my late 50s and I can't believe I still have these things to deal with.
Best advice I can think of is a quote from William Burroughs:
"If, after being in the presence of a certain person, you feel like you've lost a quart of plasma, avoid that person."
I've been there; in the end, I had to take a job in another country --literally emigrate-- to properly make the break that my head was screaming for, but was so very difficult to make happen at the time within the confines of the relationship.
I'm lucky that I don't have the long-term damage that you have, but it took years to heal, I think - and even now, there are some traits in my behaviour that are far from ideal and which I think trace back to that relationship. (For example, I've developed a disproportionately strong response to any behaviour from others that starts to even slightly near to 'controlling'. This obviously isn't ideal when mostly people aren't like that.) I think of this as emotional scar-tissue; I need to work out how to start breaking it down.
I had to get out of an abusive relationship to see it was abusive, which I think is true for a lot - maybe even the vast majority - of people. She was emotionally abusive/manipulative, and that would occasionally branch into physicality. Never anything as overt as hitting/slapping, but certainly the occasional grab or shove.
I also had friends bring up the emotional part (nobody ever saw anything physical) but your mind gets pretty twisted when you're in a relationship like that. It's really hard to see it through an objective lens until you're already on your way out, or even far removed.
I don't know your specific circumstances but I'm confident you will continue to get better.
Trust your gut feeling. Also ask yourself would you otherwise be friends with this person? Do they truly value you for you? Do you feel emotionally safe with them? Do your friends like the person. If you have a good relationship with your family otherwise, do they like your partner? If things seem off, they probably are. Also find a therapist and discuss things with them. They will be able to tell you if things are healthy or not.
The classic symptoms are alienating you from your friends and family. Negging or putting you down... even subtle jabs. They make arguments personal as an attack on your character and identity or suggest you are attacking their character. Deep down it is all about control and fear. Usually this person will have more narcissistic traits, see everything as a reflection of them and their needs. You are just a tool to meet their needs rather than an individual human.
For folks who have been in traumatic relationships and need help healing I would recommend therapy with a trauma therapist (something like EMDR).
The second one was the worst. I've since observed that behaviour in other couples, mostly with the men, but almost as frequently with the women that make the partner's feeling of self-worth completely revolve around them.
It's toxic, left me with severe depression that is still an issue today. There is a certain type of internal self-talk that becomes a self-reinforcing mania and starts with the simplest triggers and ends up with a feeling of loathing that can happen any time. It's dangerous and can lead to thoughts of suicide. This was in my early 30s, and I'm now in my late 50s and I can't believe I still have these things to deal with.
Best advice I can think of is a quote from William Burroughs:
"If, after being in the presence of a certain person, you feel like you've lost a quart of plasma, avoid that person."