For the last week I've lived utterly alone. I didn't leave the house or interact with other people at all, except to buy some groceries on the first day. I didn't even have internet access until yesterday.
As a 15 year old I'm sure this would have sounded like a dream; I get to do whatever I want, and there's no one around to bug me? Sign me up! And yet, when I actually lived it, it felt more like a kind of personal hell. I became depressed, anxious, and apathetic within just a few days. Turns out human contact is a lot more important to me than I would have guessed. I won't be repeating that experience any time soon if I can help it.
The scary thing is that there are many, many people who have lived this way for years or even decades, and will probably continue to do so for the rest of their lives (see http://www.wizardchan.org). I can't imagine how a person could stay sane.
And yet, when I actually lived it, it felt more like a kind of personal hell.
I have done two eight day meditation retreats in complete silence (except for a short conversation with the mediation teacher once a day). The first time, after about one day, I was 100% sure I was going to give up that day. I missed sounds, listening to music, social interactions, etc. and ended up in a circle that slowly turned into hell (as you described).
After that day, during my daily conversation, I told my teacher that I couldn't bear it anymore and was going to leave. He kind and jokingly fashion said (I am paraphrasing): "we'll prepare the refund". Somehow that clicked and I realised that my mind had been running in circles, magnifying emotions of boredness and craving step by step. After that I had an excellent retreat, understanding a tiny bit better how the mind works.
We are social beings and social contacts are essential. However, silence can also help us every now and then.
While I attended a retreat I somehow never felt lonely. I was around other poeple all the time, we ate together and of course meditated together, despite not sharing eye contact and staying silent. After the ten days on the last day everyone was allowed to talk and it was a It is a very moving experience. Everyone felt connected.
Not feeling connected, feeling isolated amongst other poeple, beeing unable to make meaningful connections is lonelyness for me.
For me it really comes down to a mutual feeling of acceptance. I've spend some nights with some punks, watching movies and going to town. We did not know us before hand but I felt accepted not lonely. Meeting with other students from my university? Felt lonely and disconnected. Your brain is a strange device... or I am just having problems dealing with big egos and "alpha male" bullshit.
I can very much empathize with this feeling. Last year, my freshman year of college, I lived an extremely isolated life. However, by living very quietly for quite a while, in a beautiful place, I found great comfort in my own mind. It was incredibly peaceful to have days where I did very little but eat, sleep and think. In that time I learned a lot about myself, and grew as a person. I'm glad I had that chance.
A week is nothing, it's like a detox period. Try several years of interacting with people you don't really connect with and feeling lonely, now that's depressing as hell...
You get used to it after awhile, believe me. I've been living like that for the past 4 years. There are times that it hits you and you want to change the way you live, but then you forget all about it until you think about it again.
I do. I said what I said because I thought your connectivity problems (or lack thereof) were temporary. Maybe I shouldn't have made that assumption, sorry about that.
It depends on how you experience the world too. Some people suffer too much from interactions, some it's a 80/20 thing (my case) and being without nobody actually feels less lonely than when with people and feeling out of place surrounded by persons enjoying something that you either reject or simply can't understand. It's not entirely definitive, but to me the benefits of social interactions are often a little below their cost. I just read that it was often the case for introverts, their mind flows better when they're alone (unless they find someone who they can 'sync' with)
My conclusion would be that one should try to find and converge towards whatever fits his needs. You got to know how isolation was not for you, good thing.
As a 15 year old I'm sure this would have sounded like a dream; I get to do whatever I want, and there's no one around to bug me? Sign me up! And yet, when I actually lived it, it felt more like a kind of personal hell. I became depressed, anxious, and apathetic within just a few days. Turns out human contact is a lot more important to me than I would have guessed. I won't be repeating that experience any time soon if I can help it.
The scary thing is that there are many, many people who have lived this way for years or even decades, and will probably continue to do so for the rest of their lives (see http://www.wizardchan.org). I can't imagine how a person could stay sane.