I had a friend who died young, I was young as well. I went to his funeral and there was an opportunity to speak about him and our memories of him. No one stood up to speak.
It was awful. I wanted to stand up and say he was a good friend, and to say I would miss him, but I didn't.
I've regretted that ever since - 30 years now, and I think about it frequently.
When my best friend from high school took his own life, necessitating that I travel to a county I hadn't been to in over a decade, when we gathered to remember him, I started things off by introducing myself as I would have liked to have thought he would have introduced me to everyone else present --- that seemed to afford a structure which bridged the gap between people I hadn't seen in decades (including his eldest niece whom I had not seen since she was a babe in arms) --- we went around the room with everyone declaring their connection and sharing some memories.
Funerals are an "odd custom"? What an entirely odd thing to say, I cannot imagine what you mean. Why is meditating on the passing of a friend, remembering their life and being present with the grief of their family "odd"??
As they are observed in the U.S., I'd argue they _are_ an odd custom, because it's so free-form.
I'm old enough that I've been to a number of funerals -- ranging from distant, much older family members when I was a kid, to funerals for an aunt not quite out of her 30s, a cousin not yet 20, and some friends or for family of my spouse.
A lot of the time the customs are _unclear_. The services vary a lot. There's a great deal of uncertainty around "what should I do?" Because we don't have a coherent funerary custom here. We have plenty of conflicting ideas and expectations around funerals.
So, on top of grief, you have the fear of "doing it wrong" and compounding someone's else's grief when you attend the funeral of a friend or family member. People have hurt feelings because friends and family members don't live up to their assumptions about what someone else should (or shouldn't) do at a funeral.
In some ways, it'd be comforting if it were more scripted and you knew exactly what you were expected to do, say, and so forth.
Note that custom for funerals comes from the local culture and customs of how previous funerals are run. So that it isn't to you is just a reflection on your culture, other people come from different cultures where such a thing is not normal and because it is not normal- for their culture - it harms their meditations which would be done in the way they have grown up doing.
As such I'm not making a statement of right and wrong for your culture, only that in OPs culture it is wrong and so asking for someone to speak like that was in fact wrong on the part of whoever asked. Whoever asked may well have come from a different culture where this behavior is normal and so made a mistake by not recognizing that they were in a different culture!
I guess we drew different conclusions. To me lack of optional participation doesn’t imply the offer was inappropriate. Calling this cultural requires a much narrower definition of culture than I would use.
I initially interpreted it to mean that expecting people to give impromptu speeches at funerals was an odd custom (that certainly doesn't happen where I live), but now I'm not so sure.
It's okay to give yourself some reprieve. People are often not in their right mind when grieving.
It's that time of year when It's a Wonderful Life shows up on TV. Have you ever seen the scene in the boardroom just after Jimmy Stewart's character's father died and left him the Building & Loan business? If you look closely, he's wearing a black arm band. That used to be customary as a way to signaling to people "I'm grieving, so please forgive me if I'm not in my right mind. Take what I say and do with a grain of salt."
When I die, I would not want my friends to feel worse by regretting something they did or didn't do. I'm willing to bet your friend loved you enough to feel the same way.
From one stranger to another, this is such a nice comment. And I love this film, but never knew this arm band fact. Now I can't wait to notice it this year when we inevitably watch it. Merry Christmas to you and your family.
I get it. I didn't say anything at my grandfather's funeral, although I was this close. I just... didn't. Easier in that moment to stay seated for a few extra seconds, but it bothered me. Years later, at my grandmother's funeral, I spoke. Not long, but I said some of the things I'd wanted to say years earlier, though with the benefit of a bit more hindsight and perspective. But not speaking all those years earlier had bothered me. FWIW, it still does, but a little less than before.
I have a phobia of these type of scenarios. During my career I've never had a problem presenting or doing demos for large groups. I've presented to high ranking military officials, company zooms, etc. No problem.
Ask me to give a speech on the spot at my father's birthday party? I cower in fear. Same when my mother passed away. I wanted to say so many things, but I couldn't get over the anxiety. You're not alone.
I see it as a strong example of what happens often. We have an impulse from what I will call our authenticity and we decline and suppress it because of some sort of fear.
As I've learned to pay attention to this, I've found that it always leads to slight disconnection, and following instead tends to lead to more connection and aliveness.
Every time we avoid the alive impulse is a failure of sorts, but usually we don't notice it like in this story above.
This idea is also explored in The Anatomy of Peace by The Arbinger Institute. Reading it was truly transformative for me. It makes a strong point that we experience self-betrayal whenever we choose to ignore our moral compass and how this can harm our relationships.
Interesting. Do you think this other thing might be related?
I usually supress emotions in order to perform, solve problems. I ignore all frustration, sadness, boredom and just focus or executing the steps to solve the current problem. Convinced that good performance is what leads to good quality of life.
It's like the kid who jumps and cries around the father saying "I want to play". The father ignores him and says "go away, don't bother me please, I'm working", thinking "what he really needs is a nice house, food and clothes, that's why I work".
But this has lead me to a pervasive state of unsatisfaction, even though I now have many shiny things to enjoy.
I think it’s related, but not in the way you’re implying:
He seems to view it as a personal failing that he didnt ignore the awkwardness to “solve the problem” of no one memorializing his friend and thinks about that inability to perform in the moment often, because he wants to be someone who can “rise to the occasion” in such moments.
You seem to have a different problem, eg a bad work-life balance or lack of meaningful duties to perform.
Authenticity is not a great guide for living. Psychopaths are authentic, but no one of sound mind would praise them for it. Our motives are not always pure and good, and our culture's feels-before-reals elevation of "authenticity" into a supreme virtue has been a source of much grief.
Now, having the courage to act according to what you know by prudence is the right and just thing to do is something else. Here, you are acting according to what is objectively good, and not only that, but what you know is objectively good. And yes, you could say that acting out of genuine courage does make a person feel more alive, as he isn't shrinking out of fear and cowardice. He is acting against the comfort of mediocrity, and as we all know, a little danger and risk does get the blood moving.
I have a 3.5 year old son and the thought HAS occurred to me- "if we never learned to 'behave' (i.e., conform to societal norms), would we all just continue to be little selfish dopamine monsters?" lol
You might say the foundation of polite society itself rests heavily on the shoulders of millions of weary parents with varying amounts of care and effort expended
It is difficult to explain nuance to little kids, so when they grow up, they need to review the rules. Hopefully not from the perspective of "rules are inconvenient", but rather "what was this rule actually trying to achieve, and how much that applies to this situation?".
In another thread, the_snooze wisely pointed out that "your actions are a reflection of your values"[1].
If you want to be a person who is part of a community, who cares for the people around them, and doesn't look at everything as a transaction, then you maybe go to a funeral even if you can't measure some benefit for yourself.
According to a Jerry Seinfeld bit, the fear of public speaking is the #1 fear. #2? Death. At a funeral, most people would rather be in the casket than delivering the eulogy!
I have studied funeral design. One of the most inspiring funeral directors I interviewed (https://www.zenithvirago.com/) had a particular specialty for suicides. She was keen on ensuring the parents had a healthy and complete mourning process. This almost always involved insisting that they get up to speak at the funeral, to the point where she lends her body to help them stay standing through the process. At least by her own accounting, it has a profoundly positive effect on how the parents get through this grief that I can hardly imagine. It's an opportunity that doesn't return.
She teaches that when it comes to death and dying and supporting other going through the process, be present, neutral, kind, and courageous. It is hard and awkward to get up to speak. And no shame in not doing it, especially as a more distant connection. But also a lot of good can come from it as well.
My grandfather died a few years ago. By all accounts, he was opinionated, mean, and yelled at people a lot -- until a stroke humbled him.
When it was time to speak, nobody got up to say anything, until I did. I mentioned so many of us had negative feelings about him, and then recalled what good things he did for us. That ice broken, several of my cousins also stood up and spoke.
My uncle, who had arranged the funeral, closed it off by saying to everyone in the audience that if you wanted your own funeral to have more good stories, it was a good idea to patch relationships while still alive.
I think I would have regretted not standing up to speak. My grandfather did good and bad -- he invented the type of artificial voicebox given to people with throat cancer. He performed lifesaving surgeries on hundreds of people. He also yelled at his grandchildren during every dinner. He leered at my mother and aunts.
And yet, I would have regretted not going to his funeral, and not speaking.
I wanted to say that at my mom's funeral. "Her good parts deserved better than her bad parts". But I was crying a lot, and trying to act normal around extended family who hadn't seen me for several years and at least one gender ago, so I didn't want to say anything vaguely negative.
You have nothing to regret. Eulogies are kind of a modern thing. It's one thing to have fond memories of someone, or to share them with others during a conversation at the wake or whatever, but a public speech that sums up a person is something like passing judgement on a person, and I would dread putting myself in that position as no one really has the authority to do that. (That's why Catholics do not traditionally eulogize at a funeral mass or a wake, as passing judgement on a person, as opposed to, say, judging certain facets of their actions, is something reserved for God alone, as only God could know the heart of a person. A proper Catholic funeral mass is, in fact, entirely focused on making a sacrificial offering for the soul of the departed; there is no presumption made about the fate of the deceased.)
We must have gone to the same funeral and had the same friend. I regret not speaking up either to share a story I think about often which highlighted my friends better qualities. Maybe I'll make a post about him after thinking about it for a few more years.
You might want to call up his parents or siblings and tell them the story. I had a friend die young and whenever I remembered a story about him, I would make a note and call his dad next time the guy’s birthday came around. Actually I forgot his birthday so I just did his birth month but it really seemed to encourage his dad.
In my experience losing those close to me, you don’t regret the things you said instead you really regret the things you didn’t say. So don’t beat yourself up too bad it happens to all of us.
It was awful. I wanted to stand up and say he was a good friend, and to say I would miss him, but I didn't.
I've regretted that ever since - 30 years now, and I think about it frequently.