But that's what you call to make your process be a zombie. ;)

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Zombie_process

It's been synonymous with exit() since at least PHP 4.

unalive() offends me, let’s do sunset() instead

sunset() triggers me due to all the times I've seen companies "sunset" APIs only to still have them in production 5 years later.

Let's change it to cancelled()

cancelled() makes it seem as if PHP is a sexual predator – which may be the case, but as a matter of course...

How about goodbye()?

We shouldn’t be using judgemental words like “good” and “bad”. Let’s use bye().

goodbye() could offend someone whose father "went out to get a pack of smokes" and never came back

Ok, let's change it to fetchmilk()

Bound to offend someone who found out their father was the milkman.

Make it idontevenknowanymore()

Ok... null() it is then!

seems lacking in gratitude. how about kthxbye()?

This is double plus good.

How about depart().