I mean it several levels back from that, being a subject in my own story rather than merely an object in anyone else's, being someone who has an identity and makes decisions and engages other people as a person in my own right.
I wasn't anybody even to myself, which is why I couldn't ever do anything. I could be used by people to do their things, but I wasn't an agent even in my own life.
This resonates a lot with me, and I think you expressed what has been running through my mind lately.
Sometimes, I feel like I lack agency; lile I'm not a primary character in my own life's story. It's so easy to sit back, follow the flow, and let the will of others dictate what I work with and spend my time on.
Working on changing that. But now I'm at an impasse, as it's difficult to know which of my interests and hobbies are coming from within me, and not just something I do to--for lack of a better way to express it-- please or impress others.
Current working theory is 'work less, play more', spend time with others, and being as attentive and receptive that I can.
Thanks for saying so. It feels like a lonely road a lot of the time.
I'm taking some time away from work to try to pay attention to this. The urge to enter a cloister and stay forever has started cropping up, which may mean I'm taking it too far, but at least tells me I might finally be getting out of my fixed ways of thinking.
I mean it several levels back from that, being a subject in my own story rather than merely an object in anyone else's, being someone who has an identity and makes decisions and engages other people as a person in my own right.
I wasn't anybody even to myself, which is why I couldn't ever do anything. I could be used by people to do their things, but I wasn't an agent even in my own life.