I am so sorry you are experiencing all this. I sincerely hope things turn a corner and things improve for you. I’ve had my share of horrific trauma related to my health, and it often felt this would never end. Luckily my issues did end, but it does really change your perspective on how fragile and valuable life is, but in some ways it also made me more accepting of death having fully accepted a number a times death was preferable to my situation. I had people that depended on me though so it was more a recognition of the fact.

I did find places like HN and other outlets really helpful, little bit sized opportunities to nerd out and connect, that were just small enough that I could keep focus during the worst of things.

Good luck.