I did, and then I didn’t, and then I did enough self work to realize how my parents’ traumas shaped them and how that affected my childhood, my own issues, and our relationship. Now I am left with compassion for them and sadness for what could have been but wasn’t.

I have kids now and am working daily to break the patterns of intergenerational trauma, hoping to have with my kids what I couldn’t with my parents.

Yes, but mostly after I had kids (and especially teenagers) and realized for myself that, yes, I was the asshole. The fact that humans let most teenagers live to adulthood says a lot of good things about the human race.

For me it is more the other way round. The older I get the less understanding I have for them. As a teenager I got along perfectly with them but now that I am almost 40 I realize that they were pretty shitty parents. Especially when I realize what they did to my siblings.

Edit: To expand I have more sympathy with my mother because I know of some of her traumas growing up. But I have a harder time to excuse my father.

Do you have children?

After having one (1), I realized that my “shitty parents” were actually amazing superhumans, despite all their very human flaws.

Opposite experience for me. After I had kids, I realized how shitty and neglectful my parents had been. They kept me alive but they otherwise didn’t do much. They were more like roommates than parents.

That will depend very much on the individual. Someone who were beaten by their parents won’t suddenly turn around and love them when they themselves get children.

I was perhaps the asshole but they forced me to exist. Ripped me out of the comfy comfy void.

Luckily I love my parents but otherwise I'd be soo mad.

Same outcome, different reason. Once I became a parent, they actually began to listen to me. :shrug:

Needs a "with one, not the other" option. My Dad was violent and abusive towards me, and I consider myself fortunate that he died when I was 8, before I had a chance to do something that meant I spent my life in jail.

Yeah, same. Very close with one as well as my inlaws. The other one should rot for what they did.

I had cut all the strings with my parents. But, slowly, I realized they are the only ones who care about me. The things got back together when I had a heartbreak, and got clinically depressed.

Now, it's parents before anyone.

I wish. I had cut tie with one of them (which was really hard for me with Asian upbringing) but have since reconnected, only to be disappointed again and again. And I gotta tell you, it hurts every time.

I understand and empathise how they came to be like that but I still cannot truly forgive them. I wish I can forgive and be at peace one day.

I’m sure the day will come.

Or it won’t, and you will find your own peace. Toxic “family always” posturing hurts people who have actual bad families.

My mom is basically an invalid at 65. She has supranuclear palsy. There’s just nothing there to get along with. It’s sad. My dad, I get along with okay, unless we talk politics. He thinks he knows everything from exclusively watching one news source. I’ve tried to get him to broaden his horizons, but he’s not interested. I wish he and I could talk about politics but it’s just not good for either of us.

PSP sucks, man. I'm sorry.

I got on better with mine when we moved 5hrs from them and I only saw them 6 times per year instead of every other day. Quality time over quantity.

They are now very much in decline mentally and physically. The best times are over. Makes me glad that I had children young and we were all able to enjoy spending time together. A lot of happy memories.

I get along well with my parents today, and generally always have (for some definition of "get along"). That said, it took me into my 30s to really figure out where my parents fit in my life. In spite of the dynamic we had through the earlier half of my 20s, I don't have to act as they do, or think what they think.

I've since learned that some of my own dissonant thoughts are really just echoes of things that my parents would say. Recognizing that has helped me eliminate many of them. Step one was being my own person, which I could do while I still had those types of thoughts, but step 2 was realizing why the thoughts were there, and being able to move past them.

I still think the best thing I did to improve my relationship with them was move out.

I could have written exactly the same things.

Getting along with them doesn't mean I can visit for more than a week without going nuts.

I've been extremely lucky in that my parents have always been loving, supportive, and accepting. They're very progressive (though I ended up perhaps slightly further to the left), value knowledge and education, and have always been the embodiment of (and frequently repeated) the phrase, "Och, come awa' in! There's always room for one more!" [0]

I get along with them well, and hope to continue to do so as long as they live.

[0] https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Always_Room_for_One_More

Every time this topic comes up I realise just how good my parents were at being parents, for me anyway. In retrospect they put a lot of effort into encouraging me to be my own person and make my own decisions, and then letting me experience the consequences. I think that helped the relationship shift over time away from parent child and towards something more equal.

My dad suffered a massive cardiac arrest and multiple strokes a few years ago. He fortunately survived, but that wiped away any resentment I had stored up towards him or my mom. Now I know that part of me doesn't care how different we are, I will miss them when they're gone no matter what. I recognize my privilege and fortune in this regard.

For me it is a yes, but it took a while.

There were some early struggles and awkwardness around me being gay (nothing really bad and I am grateful that I never felt unsafe)

There was the awkward years after being an adult that our relationship had to shift and it took until my mid twenties before it really shifted to, you don't have any control over me anymore and we are equals. There were some fights around this.

For me this took moving about 600 miles away and being able to become my own person.

Now obviously there are plenty of things that they don't know about me. Often will hear about things I did after the fact instead of like with friends and just talking about future plans.

But I regularly text my mom (like she asked me about the D&D) movie and we generally talk on the phone once or twice a week.

Being completely honest the pandemic helped, we talked a lot more.

Yes, both. Sometimes I think I don’t deserve them because they do so much for me (and my brother)

Yes. They're not perfect, but they do their best.

Well I'm actually writing on behalf of my kids, the answer at the moment is yes and no.

They get on fine with me, but the mother is doing herself no favours with her bossy nature. Not only that, but the mother is prone to not exactly telling the truth - perhaps also relevant in that she tried to get me into trouble with the police, only to earn herself charges of "false accusations" and "misleading the authorities".

She also tries to tell the kids that they shouldn't like me, and so far that has had the exact opposite effect as to what she wants to achieve. I suspect that sooner or later, once they realise just exactly what she was up to, that they will likely disown her altogether.

Needs the "NA" option to be complete.

Not necessarily, could just be changed to "Do/did you get along".

"They are no longer living/estranged" option.

Read Sheehy's Passages. This has a complex answer that seems well-addressed in the comments: 0-10, parents usually cool, 11-22, parents usually annoying as hell, 23-40, broad range of feelings towards parents, 50-60, (re)appreciate parents.

Of course, 40+ can also be summed up as "damn, wish i had done X or Y or ...". Life is shorter than you realize and empathy is a valuable trait. If mistakes were made and you get the chance to remedy them, consider doing so. If you become a parent, do better.

Until I married and I had a spouse and son I had zero issues with my parents IIRC. Now the dynamics are different. Also my father passed away and my mother has only one grandson so...

My dad died two years ago and my mom is in a nursing home with Schizophrenia. What option should I pick, "no"?

Did you get along with them when there was someone to get along with?

I got along well with my dad but not with my mom. Thanks, that approach seems the best course of action.

I'm so sorry to hear that.

Please select the option that best describes your overall lives together.

Hi OP,

Can I ask what your answer is and why your question treats parents as a single entity?

Can you tell us more about your interaction with both your parents?

Thanks

I'm firmly in the "partially" camp :)

My mom is my best friend, I don't talk to my stepdad, and I never met my biodad.

At first, I offered zero/one/both as the options, but I realized that many people have complicated step-family structures, so I wanted to make it more open-ended.

Cool. What's funny is that I read the 'partially' option as "getting along partially with two parents" as opposed to "getting along well with one out of two parents"

Having 10 to 12 thousand km between me in the US and my parents in Europe helped warm up our interactions a lot.

Beign a father made me realise many things about them. I spend all sundays afternoons with them.

Also it's crazy how not only I am like my father were it comes to the relationship with our own children, (rules and so on), but also my mother is the same as my wife (lack of rules and so on).

We certainly should, after all they did and do for us, unselfishly, and despite challenges.

Here the context matters a lot though. Living together with them, being dependent on them, having own kids, etc. makes this a completely different question.

Also, age of the person being asked

I agree. Which is why I enjoyed reading the answers :)

It'd be like not getting along with myself.

Yes, I love them unconditionally. Whatever shit they did to me, I did a whole lot worse. Water under the bridge

Yes if I take them exactly as they are.

We have very different beliefs, priorities, and values, but we get along and love each other.

We aren't on speaking terms.

I do. Which is a surprise for me, because nobody else close to me seem to do it.

I'm getting along great with my surviving parent.

Yes, but it took all my 20s to settle this idea

Mum yes absolutely, love a natter with mum.

Dad nah. He was an alcoholic (probably self medicating ADHD in hindsight with my diagnosis) who would always criticise everything when drunk. You're fat, you're not doing anything useful in life. You're doing this wrong, that is wrong, the other is wrong. Stopped talking to him for my own mental health and later he died after catching a common cold when his liver shut down.

Boomers really need to get help with mental health issues, the stigma isn't really there anymore. Sort yourself out before you die prematurely and miss meeting your grandkids lol

Absolutely

id have voted partially if inlaws counted

kinda