Oh man - I think I can relate on a large capacity - at least with the ADHD, maybe some of the ASD. I'll share my experience here too so if someone else can relate at least a little bit maybe that will help someone.
I grew up thinking/convincing myself I was """normal""", living in a family where my father wasn't diagnosed with Aspergers/ASD and ADHD until my early teens - my sister has severe/low-functioning ASD with severe mental disability. In hindsight, my parents should have probably had me diagnosed but I'm sure there was guilt and fear that their youngest would be "affected" as well.
I ended up coping with long-term self-social isolation/videogaming until my early 20's, when I finally got referred to a psychiatrist by my doctor and diagnosed with ADHD.
Masking my ADHD day in day out is extremely tiring and by the time I get home from work I just want to do nothing but sit in my office and play video games to make up for all the dopamine that I crave but don't get during the day - while dishes, paperwork, clothes pile up and the shame of not doing them is a constant reminder.
I still find it hard to have conversations with people and don't think I'll ever be in any kind of relationship - I feel like I've somehow told myself that I won't find any meaningful bond with anybody though I'm sure that's the depression and anxiety creeping in.
It's hard not to compare yourself to others and ask "why am I not like them?" when the answer is simply always "because you are you and that's okay" without feeling guilty or ashamed. It's a constant shadow over me (and maybe others too?) and even with regular visits to my psychiatrist and medication it's hard.
I can relate on not feeling like you’ll find a meaningful bond with anyone. It’s difficult to define, but I have this nagging sense that I’m not the same type of thing as whoever I’m interacting with. I see people all around me and it’s like they’re another type of entity altogether. I’m pretending to be one, but I know I’m not. They know it too, though they’re not always conscious of it.
I know I’m just another human being with weird thoughts. There isn’t anything that odd or special about me in the scheme of things. But the sense of that, the experience of feeling like an “other” or an imposter, is excruciatingly isolating.
I find it hard to simply order coffee at times because in my mind, I feel as though I’m operating the marionette that people see as “me” and watching from behind its shoulders.
I grew up thinking/convincing myself I was """normal""", living in a family where my father wasn't diagnosed with Aspergers/ASD and ADHD until my early teens - my sister has severe/low-functioning ASD with severe mental disability. In hindsight, my parents should have probably had me diagnosed but I'm sure there was guilt and fear that their youngest would be "affected" as well.
I ended up coping with long-term self-social isolation/videogaming until my early 20's, when I finally got referred to a psychiatrist by my doctor and diagnosed with ADHD.
Masking my ADHD day in day out is extremely tiring and by the time I get home from work I just want to do nothing but sit in my office and play video games to make up for all the dopamine that I crave but don't get during the day - while dishes, paperwork, clothes pile up and the shame of not doing them is a constant reminder.
I still find it hard to have conversations with people and don't think I'll ever be in any kind of relationship - I feel like I've somehow told myself that I won't find any meaningful bond with anybody though I'm sure that's the depression and anxiety creeping in.
It's hard not to compare yourself to others and ask "why am I not like them?" when the answer is simply always "because you are you and that's okay" without feeling guilty or ashamed. It's a constant shadow over me (and maybe others too?) and even with regular visits to my psychiatrist and medication it's hard.