To counter the Washington Pizza Index, I propose that the United States establish a Strategic Pizza Reserve. Daily pizza orders from Domino's will be stablized at slightly above average demand. Excess pizzas will be frozen and stored in the Reserve, possibly stacked in former missile silos. During peak demand periods, pizzas will be released from the Reserve to supplement the stablilized daily supply. The government may also release pizzas from the Reserve to aid survivors of natural disasters.
While sounding reasonable on first glance, I caution that this strategy might impose risks for national security: There is substantial difference how much satisfaction a fresh pizza can cause vs a frozen, stored and reheated pizza. So by restricting consumption to reheated pizzas, you might end up with unhappy, overstressed staffers. Unhappy staffers will make worse decisions, and worse decisions might potentially cause a government crisis to spiral out of control.
So for the sake of world piece, do not reheat the pizza.
The Strategic Pizza Reserve idea is centralized and obsolete. Instead there should be a decentralized Web3 pizza reserve policy where people store a few pizzas in their freezers for situations where they are needed. Policy compliance can be arrested and verified on the blockchain.
Pizzas are not all made equal my friend. Instead of serving monotonous frozen pizzas, let us bake pizzas with non-fungible toppings. A large supply of unique, all-American pizzas is all that stands between us and anarchy itself.
How can we be sure a President with poor approval ratings won't release a bunch of pizzas right before an election? Politically motivated pizza parties seem like a cynical abuse of power.
And what type of pizza is placed in the Pizza Reserve? New Yorkers would have conniptions if Chicago-style deep dish pizza found its way into the Reserve.
>To counter the Washington Pizza Index, I propose that the United States establish a Strategic Pizza Reserve.
Sir please don't even JOKE about the strategic pizza reserve, some knowledge was meant to stay esoteric.
I still remember at Derbycon when they thanked us hackers for spending more money than the Kentucky Derby despite the event being one day fewer in length.
I've quit drinking since then, and also come out as like... queer or whatever.
What will really blow your brain is the same staffers who used to always order an extra large cheese pizza because it clouds how many they are dining with and for how long (because it's freezable) would go on to do things like lobby for information that would have previously been considered CPNI (that's "customer protected network information") to be able to be sold to third-party marketing firms without first securing the affirmative consent of the customers of the pizza shop.
You haven't truly lived until some absolute moron figures out you tend to freeze a pizza when you suspect the nukes are gonna fly, then again I also had a period where every time I tried to go into the local park to smoke weed, folks would show up and start shooting softcore pornography -- I nearly gave them the same "just because it's legal to strip down nude in the portland airport doesn't mean you should" speech that I gave one of Ron Wyden's staffers before he uh... definitely didn't get fired from the ACLU.
(I'm being a little passive aggressive in this comment, but the last time I called the IRS they made some smartass comment about if I was taking notes for "my" senator. I felt like going, hey, you dumb bitch, I know how to crash the internet and we used to joke the high school looks like an airport and it's also got a rapist out front -- they're all my senator, since the running joke has always been I'm not a cultural fit for the FBI because they don't want to let me anywhere near firearms.
Anyways, that was the last time I tried to deal with anything related to federal taxes -- I will not be abused on the phone by some fed. Their model is to fear interaction, mine is to show up five goddamn years later in the samn damn "Bernie 2016" shirt, red eyed, openly amused many of my enemies have shot themselves with their own weapons, and feel guilty I'm gonna throw out some of the pizza I didn't freeze because I fear it's sat in the fridge too long.
(Did every Catholic elementary school hold you in for recess if you didn't eat all your food, or was that a hyperlocal thing? Either way, pizza day was fun. Peace out!!)
As an extension, I propose the Normalised Pizza Index as:
npz := (pizza sales to government staffers) / (pizza sales to media workers)
I think if the pizza index for congress/white house/pentagon/etc staffers goes through the roof while the media is still in business as usual mode, then is the time you really need to worry.
DC is awash in local pizza chains that are quite good. Manny and Olga's will deliver until dawn. Bestolli's greek pizza was inspired by Athena herself to be the Platonic ideal of crisis comfort food. The pentagon has more nearby pizzerias than tanks, and that's not including the recent surge of fancy artisan pizza.
Now there are, but not at the time the article was written. DC has had an amazing culinary renaissance, with Jose Andres leading the way, but at the time it was mostly noted for steak houses for lobbyists.
Even today, the immediate vicinity of the Capitol and office buildings is kinda weak on food. There's a nice set of restaurants on Pennsylvania Avenue, but the food trucks are all over at L'Enfant, and the real mass of restaurants require a trip to Penn Quarter/the-area-formerly-Chinatown-but-now-all-chains.
I do, however, highly recommend We The Pizza a few blocks away. Silly name, but really fantastic fancy-artisan-pizza by noted local chef Spike Mendelsohn.
Bravo, someone's finally asking the right questions around here.
To play devil's advocate, perhaps GP's rationale had to do with the fact that when you freeze cardboard, it still tastes like cardboard when thawed. There's very little loss there.
Sounded like they order everywhere, local artisan pizza places as well as national chains. I imagine Domino's was just an easier target to interview. Or maybe the effect is easier to notice if you can aggregate the sales from a large number of restaurants - so large chains have an advantage here compared to individual restaurants or small chains.
... or maybe the article was sponsored by Domino's, who knows :)
Yeah. The article quotes the guy who owns sixty dominoes stores in DC. He's going to have much more data at hand than a mom and pop store.
He probably also has accounts set up for various departments, whereas a small shop would probably just tell an office to use a corporate card, and have more difficulty tracking the order volume.
The cost is on par (and sometimes under) frozen pizzas from the grocery store. The quality is okay, if you have a fairly low standard for what you want out of your pizza. The thin crust is utterly terrible. Honestly, I'd rather get a frozen pizza and cook it myself given the option, or going literally anywhere else for pizza (except maybe Little Caesar's).
I used to live in a neighborhood that had a slug line to the Pentagon. You could do a similar analysis of "something is going down with the military" by judging the number of cars left in the park and ride area after rush hour.
I'm guessing with the rise of Uber like delivery services this may be harder to measure as the number of places that can ship food has increased greatly muting the steep rise in pizza places.
I'm not so sure. If the idea is that politicians order a bunch of food to get through late nights during a crisis, there aren't many other foods that work as well as pizza in so many ways. It's way easier to get vague suggestions for toppings than to pick individual entrees for everyone present, it stays tasty when cooled off, it's at the very least generally inoffensive and usually quite popular, and you can just hold a slice while eating it, no utensils required.
