So, on the face of it you have imposter syndrome. Many kind commenters have already offered up a bunch of platitudes to help in that department. It's a surprisingly common thing, actually.
What's less common is low self-esteem or self-hatred to a degree that it becomes a major impediment in your life. Your post is littered with language that suggests this. I know, because I've lived that reality my entire adult life. It ain't fun.
But you know what? While as real as that feeling is, to say it's not exactly rooted in truth would be an understatement. Your brain's biochemistry has an outsized effect on your perception of reality, which includes both how you view yourself and what thoughts tend to percolate within your mind.
There's something called the Default Mode Network[0] which is often mentioned in pop-sci neurology and psych articles. I'm not qualified to speak on it from any scientific or medical point of view. However, what I can tell you is that for me, understanding it on a relatively simplistic level has served as a fantastic metaphor that has allowed me to both forgive myself, and understand that my own negative self-image often times isn't necessarily rooted in truth.
When I've taken medication known to suppress, affect or otherwise normalize the DMN, the difference is so dramatic to the point of being: "Wow, I.. I don't hate myself right now." as if it's something novel I barely have a concept of. Not hating yourself is of course the first step to having any sort of foundation you can build on.
I'd say "don't compare yourself to others", or "love yourself", but platitudes like that are more detrimental than helpful when whoever you're saying it to someone who couldn't if they tried due to overwhelming biochemical forces at play. I don't know if that's true in your case, but it seems like it could be a possibility.
>I sometimes wonder if my mental condition or my medication has had an effect on this: I'm bipolar schizoaffective and borderline.
Yes, it probably has everything to do with it. With that diagnosis, you play life on hard mode and don't really have a choice in the matter. In my opinion, you should be congratulating yourself for doing as well as you are. This isn't to say you're somehow inferior to others; on the contrary, you seem very intelligent.
I would show your post to your psychiatrist and see what they think. It's likely that they have a very good idea how to help you, because they see that kind of thing a lot.
Clarification with minor corrections, courtesy of HN's 2-hour edit window:
I'd say "don't compare yourself to others", or "love yourself", but platitudes like that are more detrimental than helpful when you're saying it to someone who couldn't do these things if they tried due to overwhelming biochemical forces at play. I don't know if that's true in your case, but it seems like it could be a possibility.
Also, that isn't to say hard emotional work is pointless or that you're somehow helpless. On the contrary, there's a reason therapy with medication often yields the best outcomes. It's just that sometimes, one part of the equation becomes insurmountable without the other falling into place.
Most of the comments here don't have the slightest clue what that's like.
So, on the face of it you have imposter syndrome. Many kind commenters have already offered up a bunch of platitudes to help in that department. It's a surprisingly common thing, actually.
What's less common is low self-esteem or self-hatred to a degree that it becomes a major impediment in your life. Your post is littered with language that suggests this. I know, because I've lived that reality my entire adult life. It ain't fun.
But you know what? While as real as that feeling is, to say it's not exactly rooted in truth would be an understatement. Your brain's biochemistry has an outsized effect on your perception of reality, which includes both how you view yourself and what thoughts tend to percolate within your mind.
There's something called the Default Mode Network[0] which is often mentioned in pop-sci neurology and psych articles. I'm not qualified to speak on it from any scientific or medical point of view. However, what I can tell you is that for me, understanding it on a relatively simplistic level has served as a fantastic metaphor that has allowed me to both forgive myself, and understand that my own negative self-image often times isn't necessarily rooted in truth.
When I've taken medication known to suppress, affect or otherwise normalize the DMN, the difference is so dramatic to the point of being: "Wow, I.. I don't hate myself right now." as if it's something novel I barely have a concept of. Not hating yourself is of course the first step to having any sort of foundation you can build on.
I'd say "don't compare yourself to others", or "love yourself", but platitudes like that are more detrimental than helpful when whoever you're saying it to someone who couldn't if they tried due to overwhelming biochemical forces at play. I don't know if that's true in your case, but it seems like it could be a possibility.
>I sometimes wonder if my mental condition or my medication has had an effect on this: I'm bipolar schizoaffective and borderline.
Yes, it probably has everything to do with it. With that diagnosis, you play life on hard mode and don't really have a choice in the matter. In my opinion, you should be congratulating yourself for doing as well as you are. This isn't to say you're somehow inferior to others; on the contrary, you seem very intelligent.
I would show your post to your psychiatrist and see what they think. It's likely that they have a very good idea how to help you, because they see that kind of thing a lot.
[0] https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Default_mode_network