You can have as high of an ideal as you want about physics, quantum gravity, Einstein, Feynman, and hard work, but you should at least be aware when you start to abuse yourself in the name of this ideal. Fifteen hour days in the library? Reading paper after paper while ignoring the feeling you don't have a direction? These are moments where self-empathy can go a long way. And the more you dig into your ideals the less of a pedestal you put them on, and you can see them more clearly as they really are, and as human. Einstein was very close-minded about physics in his late career. Feynman was brilliant but also said a lot of other things other than "Shut up and calculate", which, by the way, the context of which is "eventually you just have to shut up an calculate" (from one of his books I believe). Quantum gravity isn't the only deep mystery in physics. And why does glory always seem to the main motivation for pursuing quantum gravity?

> "But in the end, I never knew what I was looking for and I didn’t find it."

To me it felt like you were looking for meaning and purpose in quantum gravity and its (mis-)characterization as the Grail, or at least in the process of working on quantum gravity. But it seemed like it was difficult to admit to yourself that it wasn't working, which ultimately makes the going even tougher.

I'm in a physics phd right now and I see this disconnect in myself and in other academics a lot.