Parenting is like that. As much as some people don’t want to admit it, operant conditioning is a thing. Humans are still mammals. Parenting gets simple when you can detach and not be caught up with your own ego. Barring abnormal psychology, kids are pretty fun to teach and watch grow. My one key lesson is, especially with younger kids, they aren’t doing whatever they are doing to cause me distress. Most of parenting is that simple. Of course when kids get older they may purposefully push buttons, but taking a step back, it still has those same motivations they had when they were younger. Adults behave in a more sophisticated manner, but some times, often even, there is that inner mammal obviously driving behavior and it all it takes to see it is the ability to detach.
Right, your job is to help the child grow and learn. Whether it looks - to other parents, teachers, etc. - like you are a good parent is very much beside the point, and usually a conflicting goal you need to detach yourself from. In fact, paying attention to that is narcissism. See Preacher's kid syndrome. Similarly, whether their behavior is impeccable today isn't the point, whether they're learning skills for tomorrow is the point.
We are big on Montessori at my house. The philosophy there is basically what you said: kids are adults in the making and parents are just their guides. Ego leads people to think they own their kids and such, but we are just stewards of our kids for small but key part of their life. Many parents struggle with this idea that kids are their own agents and you are just there to help them grow. It seems obvious, but when you really embrace this philosophy it seems to have a huge impact for most people.
This is interesting because it helps explain the American interest in Montessori. But in other parts of the world these ideas are the mainstream consensus view rather than a fringe ideology. Quoting the United Nations website[1]:
"The Convention [on the Rights of the Child] provides a universal set of standards to be adhered to by all countries. It reflects a new vision of the child. Children are neither the property of their parents nor are they helpless objects of charity. They are human beings and are the subject of their own rights. The Convention offers a vision of the child as an individual and a member of a family and a community, with rights and responsibilities appropriate to his or her age and stage of development. Recognizing children's rights in this way firmly sets a focus on the whole child. Previously seen as negotiable, the child's needs have become legally binding rights. No longer the passive recipient of benefits, the child has become the subject or holder of rights."
I would not call Montessori a fringe ideology, but I would also say it is not very mainstream. A lot of non-Montessori parents reach the same conclusions, Montessori just has it baked into the learning system. As a parent you are kind of all in. We have public (charter) Montessori schools here in CO that are top notch. Anyhow, you are right, and, I would guess, this is new for a lot of American parents. Also, just cause UN says, doesn’t mean other first world nations all buy into it :)
I have a nephew who's been at a Montessori school since kindergarten and I'm hugely impressed with it.
Their philosophy has definitely changed my views on management and software process. In my head there's a bar graph for "controlling <-----> supportive", and I evaluate changes on how they affect that position.
Did we read the same article? Conditioning failed. The solution was to respect the child as a complex being with trust and agency and ask him why. The parent specifically regrets her attempts to train the child like an animal.
There was a simple reason for the child’s behavior. Unknown to the parents. It will always be a dichotomy because you do not have perfect information as a parent. I don’t think I am saying to train children like animals, yet to use simple cause an effect to better reason about parenting decisions. If your hypothesis is wrong about the behavior your efforts to change it will fail.
Some days I think most people are just a floating cloud of ego bashing into other floating clouds of ego. Kids are like pure ego and desire at certain younger ages.
