I’ve had the same issue, and it’s really tough. I’ve had some success by asking people questions, paying attention to the answers, asking follow up questions, sharing details about myself if relevant. It doesn’t come naturally and I don’t always do it right, but it has allowed me to become friends with some people who I wouldn’t have been friends with otherwise.
Yeah, basically this. I personally don’t like people asking me a lot of questions, and so for a long time I assumed this was generally true.
Apparently it isn’t. People like to talk about their lives.
I guess my main reason for not liking people asking me questions is how their eyes glaze over and they start fidgeting when I answer. Maybe it’s me. I find it pretty annoying so I give terse answers or deflect in one way or another.
But other people do like personal questions it seems. And I admit, it helps build relationships.
I guess my problem is I just am not that curious about people I’ve just met. It would be pretty rare for me to give a shit about what you do for a living, and so if I ask, it’ll be my eyes glazing over.
But I do make the effort anyway, particularly if I get the feeling that someone is a talker.
I'm no ace at social interactions, so please treat the following as a straw-man theory, but...
I wonder if you (and I) sometimes fail to recognize when the person asking those questions is actually communicating something different (e.g., they want to become more friendly with you). But we fail to recognize that they're using a cultural idiom to do so.
A neuro-psychologist has told me that based on some testing I've had done, there's a decent chance I'd also test positive for Asperger's. And this kind of focusing on the literal without noticing that it pattern-matches a different, idiomatic interpretation would make sense for a person with Asperger's.
It reminds me of that line from the song What a Wonderful World, "I see friends shaking hands saying how do you do
They're really saying I love you."
If that's what's really going on, perhaps the number of questions you're getting can seem less onerous?
You're definitely on the right track. Human communication is rarely just about the words that you speak. Your speech intonation, pauses, body language etc. speak volumes. Those that don't understand these things well tend to not "get" what others are trying to tell them via all the non-verbal stuff.
Initially it seemed extremely confusing to me; why would someone ask/tell me something when they meant something different? What did they really mean when they said something? Those questions continue to cause me much anxiety but I am beginning to learn more about these non-verbal communication skills.
It kinda make sense that this is more common with nerds/geeks: we spend an awful lot more time with ourselves and things we like doing rather than socially with peers/friends/relationships. The people who tend to be more social, learn more social skills this way... kind of a chicken and egg problem.
>Apparently it isn’t. People like to talk about their lives.
Us nerds usually don't, but most people LOVE it.
(And even us, nerds etc, it's until we got a bond/trust with someone. Then you can't stop us from talking either -- e.g. in any sci-fi or tech convention where some nerds are gathered...).
I've been trying to do this. Even practicing in the mirror, but it doesn't feel the least natural. Like I still don't know the rules or limits. I feel like a bad actor playing a bad part who doesn't know his lines. Everyone else seems to do it without a thought. I used to think everyone just thought stuff up more quickly.
The friends I have came to know talking comes later. Mainly from a situation where we were around each other enough to get past my weird quiet stage.
